Network Solutions takes on Go Daddy with a more mature spokesmodel

Web hosting company Network Solutions is hoping to give Go Daddy and their spokesmodel Danica Patrick a run for their money. To do this, they’ve taken on a spokesmodel of their own. One with experience. Lots of experience.

That spokesmodel is 84-year-old Oscar winner Cloris Leachman, known for appearing in The Mary Tyler Moore Show and three Mel Brooks films. She’s become “Go Granny” as part of a multimedia marketing campaign by Network Solutions. In addition to a Twitter feed by Go Granny and other social media efforts, Leachman stars in a video best described as “disturbing” that trumpets her role as the original website spokesmodel, and her quest to make it to Super Bowl television.

So how does Cloris stack up against Danica when it comes to representing their respective employers? Let’s compare the qualities, accomplishments and eye-candy properties of the two and see if we can declare a winner.

Biggest Accomplishment

  • DANICA PATRICK: performing well in auto racing, a field dominated almost exclusively by men.
  • CLORIS LEACHMAN: performing well as a dirty old lady, a field dominated almost exclusively by Betty White.

POINT: Cloris Leachman. Did you see her on the Comedy Central Roast of Bob Saget? Foul.

Worst Quality

  • CLORIS LEACHMAN: at 84 years old, may die tomorrow.
  • DANICA PATRICK: never fully disrobes during a GoDaddy commercial.

POINT: Danica Patrick. One day, television standards will relax to the point where nudity is acceptable in commercials. Until then, men around the world are being teased into torture.

Fastest Speed Travelled

  • DANICA PATRICK: 367 km/h during a 2010 race for NASCAR at Daytona.
  • CLORIS LEACHMAN: 93 km/h during a 2008 race for Depends diapers to the drugstore.

POINT: Cloris Leachman. Driving to the drug store requires complex manoeuvres; NASCAR driving is just turning left.

Acting Ability

  • CLORIS LEACHMAN: legitimately good; see The Last Picture Show.
  • DANICA PATRICK: seriously, that’s called acting?

POINT: Danica Patrick. I’m still under the impression that her bad acting is actually just an act, meaning she’s pulling a round-about meta-joke on the entire viewing audience. Very clever, Ms. Patrick.

Odds of Being the Most Withered, Wrinkly Thing on the Air During the Super Bowl

  • DANICA PATRICK: minimal.
  • CLORIS LEACHMAN: extreme.

POINT: Neither. Don’t forget, the Super Bowl is being held in Dallas this year, which means we’ll be treated to plenty of ghoulish, frightening footage of the skeletal Jerry Jones.

Well, it looks like we have a tie. Maybe Network Solutions and Go Daddy need to solve their differences the old fashioned way — by one buying the other out.