Nortel Severance Package – Enhanced for eBay

There are only 3 days left to bid on a wonderful Nortel “enhanced” severance package (eBay item 180340590158). I know others have blogged about it, but I love it so, I must give it the space it deserves. Here are my favourite excerpts from the auction description:

“…This package includes the following items collected largely from Nortel over 17 years of service (subject to change depending on expected Grinch-like behavior from former management; like items will be substituted if reclamation occurs)….

A box. This sturdy 16”x12”x8” box was at one time filled with dreams and unrealized potential. Just like me, you can use this to clear out your personal belongings in 4 hours or less, and later to store mounting unpaid bills as you search for employment in this vibrant economy. In a pinch, you can put it over your head to keep off rain, make “will work for food” signage, or kindle fires in trash bins in back alleys to keep your hands toasty warm. The possibilities are endless. Truly Business Made Simple….

Business Made Simple, Pride In Wireless / The 3+ Club, and “>THIS IS THE WAY >THIS IS NORTEL” mouse pads. ….. First pad features the clever industry catch-phrase ‘hyperconnectivity’, a disease that hopefully will be eradicated in our lifetime.

5 year service coin clock… Unlike our executives, this Birks collectible features hands that do meaningful work. While the hands unfortunately will not wave wildly and seemingly uncontrollably like a certain CEO during employee updates or earnings reports, the upside is that if you were to somehow shake them, you wouldn’t have to wash your hands immediately afterwards either. ……

Nortel Severed Employee’s Enhanced Healthcare package. Everything you’ll need to keep you and your family fit as a fiddle until you can get denied for pre-existing conditions when you do find gainful employment years from now. Contains 500 ibuprofen caplets, a generous supply of band-aids in a protective Medco health band-aid holder, and 300 multi-vitamins. Here’s to your health!…

Plus, if the auction closes before Nortel files for chapter 7, the winning bidder will also get these fine Business Transforming bonus items:

…BIG bonus #2: A Swingline 737 stapler (not to be confused with the inferior 736 or slightly superior 738). This stapler saw me through thick and thin, never complaining about its workload or wanting extra time off, and never once did it jam up while applying cover sheets to countless TPS reports. I got the memo, and I’m going to miss you, buddy.

BIG bonus #3: a sealed pad of NORTEL paper, name tent, name badge, marker and pen. Oh, the fun we had with these babies, learning the whiles of LEAN Six Sigma and how we could improve the invoicing and accounts receivable for a fictitious company then apply it directly to the interworking of a deeply layered, process entrenched, dysfunctional software company with siloed, multi-site and outsourced-to-the-lowest-bidder ownership. It was GEnious. This Is The Way we saved TONS of money…..

Thank you for all that you are doing for this former Team Nortel member. Sleep soundly in knowing that none of the proceeds will go to any member of the ELT or SLT at Nortel. If you are the winning bidder, I promise, not only will you receive the package, you’ll get to keep it as well!”

Here’s to you, Poppey (eBay member since 1999).